It was yet another long weekend and we had to go somewhere at least 400 miles away as per the unwritten rule of Desi Code in the US. Instead of joining the Niagara or the Los Angeles bandwagons, we decided to explore a relatively calm and serene place called Eagle River in Wisconsin for camping purposes. Our group had seven members and we rented out two cars. When we hit the interstate, we suddenly realized that only one set of driving directions were available. So we decided to trail the other car faithfully.

A splendid day it was and the roads were surprisingly empty. It was an ideal start to the holidays. With Kishore Kumar and Mohammed Rafi for company, we kept trailing the other car for a while before one of the four in my car sounded a word of caution.

“Why does the board there say Canada is only five miles from here?”

True indeed! The board really talked about a Canada, five miles from there.

“Maybe there is a town called Canada in Wisconsin.”

Mahesh tried to interpret the information as logically as possible. The other car did not worry much about this board. It continued towards Canada in a very gentle manner.

Two miles later, we encountered another board – “Immigration Check – 2 Miles”.

The other car did not screech to a halt even here. It did not slow down. It just maintained its unnerving rhythm.

Now it was beyond any doubt that we were on a collision course with Canada, the country. Normally a drive to Eagle River from Milwaukee did not explore the vast terrains of Canada. We were confused and decided to sort the matter out with the other car members. I accelerated and we were soon side by side with the other car.

I now don’t remember the exact moment when we came to terms with the remarkable realization that the other car apparently wasn’t the car we should have tailgated. It had a long bearded Canadian and his family of five.

Fortunately there was a U-turn available just before the immigration exit. We pulled into the very first gas station on our way back to buy a map of Wisconsin. The rest of our journey had to be done by engaging the services of our seasoned map reader Sandeep.

We met the other party in Eagle River later that day. We then went to the camping site and put up the tents. It was a brilliant evening but we all felt something was amiss. Mahesh came up with a brilliant idea. “Let’s prepare tea.”

We all praised him for his superb idea. He said somehow all his ideas had always been superb. There were some logs and firewood in that area. We gathered some together and the only thing we had to light them up was a matchbox.

If you had ever been in a forest trying to work a campfire – especially when the previous day it rained cats and dogs in that area – you’d be able to appreciate the fact that it required methodical planning, superlative patience and tons of luck – all together – to get it going. A matchbox, though required, was of no use without a ton of gasoline at least.

A fellow camper – a kind Wyoming soul – who had come to Eagle River for fishing because he got so bored of fishing in Wyoming – gave us some lighting oil. “Spirit of the Lamps” it read and had a refreshing fragrance.

We sprinkled the oil on the firewood and lit it. The oil burnt exactly for twenty five seconds. The firewood however didn’t. We tried again. And again and again. After fifteen tries, the wood showed some signs of catching fire. We celebrated our victory with an unplanned tribal dance in the forest.

Mahesh thanked the Wyoming gentleman and gave back the spirit bottle. He took one long look at it and threw the empty bottle into the bushes and wished us all good luck!

Mahesh immediately ran to the car and brought a vessel, some water and a can of milk.

The vessel with water and milk was placed carefully on the fire. Then we all affectionately looked at our handiwork.

Here we are! Hundred of miles from civilization (Exaggeration of course) with nothing but trees, animals (we hoped they wouldn’t call on us though!) and the Wyoming Fishing man for company.

Here we are! The firewood blazing, the water boiling – the milk … uh.. boiling… and we have achieved so much in spite of not knowing a thing about professional camping. We are great….

“Where is the tea powder?”

We came back to planet Earth with that startling revelation. The brilliancy of Mahesh disappeared all of a sudden. The aura around his head had shrunk disproportionately.

“Public, we did not bring any tea powder!”

Being professionals, we decided to tackle this issue in the most efficient manner possible. We came up with a Crisis Management Committee because too many opinions would get us nowhere.

The committee, comprising of exactly seven persons, decided to send our Brilliance Personified – Mahesh to the nearest store to get some tea powder.

Mahesh nodded; took the car keys; zoomed out of the camping area to the supermarket forty miles away; chatted with the Red Indian owner of the store about the advantages and disadvantages of Six Sigma processes in supply chain management and then raced back to the camping site.

“All at the speed of light” He declared proudly. We nodded. He then waved his hand, “Of course you all know it is a bit of exaggeration.”

We didn’t say anything.

“Quite a bit actually” Mahesh walked to the fire.

We agreed.

“I could actually put it as – you know – at the speed of thought! That’s abstract enough to have multiple interpretations”

He gave the packet to Sandeep who was minding the fire who examined the contents of the package quite seriously.

“Does anyone know how to prepare tea with the best quality flour available in the market?”

That question from Sandeep reverberated through the woods. We stared blankly at Mahesh. He was taken aback.

“I don’t know yaar! When I took it in my hands it was tea powder. When did it get changed to super quality flour?"

To the best of my knowledge Mahesh is still trying to solve this mystery.

So with the tea party ending that way, we decided to cook.

"Mashed Potatoes" declared Mahesh. "I am going to prepare them.” He then took four potatoes and threw them in the fire. We all watched eagerly as he started counting seconds which turned into minutes. After 10 minutes he removed the blazing wood and found four black bodies inside that.

"Overcooked" he exclaimed.

"Burnt" we were firm.

He did not agree. We neither. He had to eat all those potatoes.

However Roti and dhaal came out really well. We finished our meal aaraam se and took a leisurely evening walk in the meadows.

The forest was green and the birds were chirping. The breeze was gentle and life was never better. At a distance we could see a big lake. We walked for about half an hour and stepped into the water. In a fraction of a second, our feet froze and there was no sensation at all.

That effectively shelved our idea of taking a bath in the lake.

“Anyway it is getting late. We should be getting back to the camp” Mahesh suggested. We all agreed and started walking back.

At the end of the first half an hour, we were still walking merrily towards the camp. The end of the second half-an-hour was however greeted with a bit of anxiety. There was no sign of our camp yet. We kept on walking – talking loudly to cover the anxiety. Another half-an-hour later, when there was still no visual, we decided to rope in the services of our Crisis Management Committee.

They assembled once again and made a “To-Do” decision after a really long discussion. It was to search for our camping ground.

Indiana Jones would have been proud of us. We searched for the treasure in a very creative way. At times Mahesh climbed on to Sandeep’s shoulders to have a better look at the surroundings. Three or four such occurrences later, Sandeep firmly announced that he wouldn’t entertain anybody on his shoulders any more.

We were losing hope. Public started dreamily looking at the evening sky wondering if they would ever be back in their cozy Fish Market Cubicles at their client’s offices.

“You shouldn’t wander in the forest at this late hour you know! Quite dangerous”

The Wyoming Fishing Man – Godsend he really was – spoke the sweetest words we had ever heard. Ignoring his serious expressions, we almost fell at his feet and asked him to show us our camp.

“Over there” he pointed his finger at a place ten meters from there.

We silently entered our tents and slept like logs.

At seven in the morning – we wrapped up the camp and went to a nearby river to test our canoeing skills.

We were actually quite apprehensive about the entertainment value of this so called art of canoeing. It looked like cakewalk. It was just a boat with a couple of oars to take it forward or backward or sideward as the case might be. Nevertheless we wanted to finish it off in about fifteen minutes and get back to exploring the other wonderful activities Milwaukee forests offered.

We rented three canoes. Since we were seven in number, three of us had to share one of the canoes. I unfortunately belonged to this group though I vehemently fought for a seat in the other two canoes. By the time I was done with my futile arguments, the coveted positions in the third canoe had already been taken by Sandeep and Mahesh.

I had to be content with a makeshift place in the middle of the canoe.

Our canoe was the first one to enter the river. Within five minutes we realized that there really was something strange – inexplicable to the laws of physics and Newton – which governed these canoes. We were surprised that even after rowing ferociously for about ten minutes we moved not even an inch into the river towards our destination three miles away.

The trainer rattled off some instructions about rowing in harmony but we simply couldn’t get a hold of the whole thing.

Well, seconds later we found ourselves in the middle of the river. The trainer had a victorious smile on his face. Apparently he had pushed us into the river. Now that we were on our own we tried to master the art of canoeing.

A couple of minutes of hard work taught us the proper way of using the oars. We wanted to resort to our tribal dance way of celebrating this achievement but the circumstances did not allow us to pursue this chain of thought seriously.

And then something interesting happened. The canoe, when rowed forward, crashed into the bushes on the other bank of the river much to the nightmare of Mahesh sitting in the front. Then when rowed backwards to escape that crash – it went directly into the trees on this side of the river with the unfortunate Sandeep sitting in the back getting entwined in them.

We were ashamed. We could not look at the other guys who were laughing at us from the bank.

However their joy was short lived. When they started canoeing, they surprisingly hit exactly the same bushes and trees we had visited earlier. It was then our turn to laugh at them.

After about half an hour – we were able to move along the river nicely as the canoe started behaving itself. The session was really enjoyable for about two hours. At the end of the second hour, however, my left hand refused to touch the oar. Five minutes later Dexter joined Sinister.

I looked helplessly at Mahesh but he seemed to have slept long ago. Sandeep in the rear seat reminded me of Sanjeev Kumar in Sholay. There was no movement in either of his hands.

The river was absolutely deserted except for us and the destination was still miles to go. We left all hope and started paying the God of Wind to blow faster which he did but alas! We are on a canoe… not a sailboat. It didn’t make any difference.

It was pretty clear and grim. We had to keep working the oars. There was no other go.

That revelation actually helped us concentrate better on the job and start rowing again. It was the hardest twenty minutes of our lives at the end of which we reached the pickup point. We jumped onto the river bank in flesh and blood but devoid of life!

“Enough of Canoeing” I declared firmly. Everyone nodded.

“Enough of the trip” I continued. Surprisingly no one stopped nodding.

“Let us go home” I slowly added looking at the treacherous canoes in the river. There was no response. I looked around. All I could see were two cars gaining momentum at a distance. I ran to one of them and hopped in.

The journey back home was fast. We cruised at not less than ninety miles per hour. Sandeep even tried to break the 100 barrier when we realized suddenly that the handsome dork we had just overtaken was a cop.

“Do you know why I stopped you sir?” the cop politely asked Sandeep.

“Ah umm… Yes I think I was overspeeding a bit”

“A bit? You were doing ninety five sir when you overtook me.”

“Sorry officer, I didn’t realize I was going that fast.”

“Why are you in such a hurry sir?” the cop was determined to know the real reason.

We told him just that. We told him about the camping fire; about the lake; about getting lost in the jungle; about the canoes and finally about the art of survival when the canoe refused to cooperate.

He had this strange expression on his face when we completed our monologue. It had to be seen. I have no words to explain that expression. Probably frustration, extreme fury and dazzling confusion together…

“Three hundred dollars and six points.” He seriously said and vanished from there.

We reached Toledo at six in the evening. I bid a goodbye to everyone and entered my messy apartment to find that the air-conditioner had gone for a toss!

A fitting end to the great trip!