This is something I wrote eight years ago.. when I was a student of Electrical Engineering in Sri Venkateswara University College of Engineering, Tirupati. I am presenting it without any changes. So kindly go easy on grammar and spelling. :)

Recently I came across an advertisement. The ad showed two people chewing Rigley’s gum and then the caption said “chew Rigley’s for effective facial exercise”. Got it, Dear Watson? Since facial exercise is as important as ordinary exercises, you have to do it and the only way to provide exercise for your face is to chew Rigley’s, according to the concerned company.

Well... it’s been pretty smooth sailing for Rigley’s for a long time. Then Mr. B and Mr. G come up with a mind-blowing discovery. According to B and G laughing is also an excellent way of providing exercise to the facial components. Also laughing has two advantages over the conventional way of getting facial exercise i.e. by chewing Rigley’s chewing gum and both are very compelling.

Advantage number one is, laughing is more general. The movements while laughing are evenly distributed over the facial area. So the exercise is more even, more general and more symmetric. On the other hand chewing Rigley’s results in movement of only a certain localized area in the facial domain at a given time. So laughing is healthier than chewing.

The officials at Rigley’s sense trouble but not before they come to know of the second advantage offered by laughter over Rigley’s gum that they start to run helter-skelter. “Laughter is free where as you need bucks to buy Rigley’s. This (I refer by “this” the edge possessed by laughter over Rigley’s), they find to be a potential threat to the wonderful market Rigley’s gums are enjoying in the circle of health conscious people.

“No..” shouts the supreme of Rigley's. “It can’t go on like this. We must do something. Let’s chat with the president”. Then they pressurize the government to do something about it. Since the Government is entirely dependent economically on a few companies in which Rigley’s is one, it cannot take decisions against Rigley. So, the president of Allied Nations suggests that Rigley itself can direct the Government.

This results in a round table conference in the sixth floor of the Rigley’s mansions. The conference runs for about six hours and at last they agree that something has to be suggested to the government. Then they all disperse fixing a date in future to discuss what has to be suggested to the government to stop laughter from ruining the market enjoyed by Rigley’s chewing gum.

The next meeting then settles the matter. The government is given two alternate courses of plan. Plan no 1 is to ban laughter in the Allied Nations and plan no 2 is to make people sad by some means so that they don’t and can’t laugh.

The president of Allied Nations takes his own time to choose his action plan. But the second alternative i.e. making people sad has to be ruled out because it involves some expenditure of the Government money, which the Government finds to be a bit too problematic. Thus in reality the President enjoys no choice and so laughter gets banned in the country.

The matter does not end there as our curious B and G find another exciting thing... "Crying" which, they say, is equivalent to laughing as far as facial exercise is concerned. “So since you should not laugh, why don’t you cry and get the facial exercise you need. You don’t need to pay Rigley’s to get that”.

“NO.” shouts the supreme again, "It can’t go on like this also. Let us meet our president again" and this time he comes up with an attractive plan which virtually eliminates the need for another round table conference in the Rigley’s mansions. He suggests that crying should be banned. The President and Rigley’s officials seem happy with the decision and thus crying gets banned in the nations.

Oh reader! Thou shalt taketh a look at the life styles of the people of Allied Nations. They don’t laugh. They don’t cry, they just wear a stone face and those health conscious people who don’t want any harm to

be done to their nervous system chew Rigley’s chewing gum and the number of those stoned faced gentlemen with Rigley’s in their mouth increases day by day.

This however isn’t the end of the story. Mr. B and Mr. G simply cannot let it end. They then advertise. “Facial exercise is really very important. Since you can’t laugh or cry the only way to get it is by chewing Rigley’s. We assume. But there is a way out. You do not need a bubble gum inside your mouth to begin the chewing action. Daily for some time just move your jaws as if you were chewing Rigley’s and this provides you very good facial exercise without draining your potatoes”.

Hardly a week after this advertisement, Rigley’s publishes a public awareness bulletin (PAB.. they call it ) which states that the chewing action is largely dependent on the chewing gum you are chewing. There is a lot of difference between “chewing air” as B and G suggested and chewing Rigley’s. Now, the force with which we chew gums ( I know gums do mean a lot But in this text, gum is used for denoting chewing gums) is a direct factor that contributes a lot to facial exercise. The gum inside one’s mouth helps to concentrate this force and then more work is done thus more exercise for the facial muscles. Also for getting a good facial exercise the density of the chewing material should not be below a specified value which Rigley’s calls “ Critical Chew Material Density” (CCMD). Air has a remarkably low CCMD and so it cannot concentrate the chewing force. Thus chewing a gum is absolutely necessary to get the facial exercise and hence is Rigley’s chewing gum for the health conscious public of the Allied Nations.

Then B and G try to test their last argument. “You need facial exercise. You need for that a force concentrator whose density is greater than the critical chew material density. So why should you go for the costly Rigley’s when atta is available at much a lower price with all the qualities a good concentrator is required to have.”

A day after this, the papers flash this news. “ Mr. B and Mr. G found brutally murdered in their apartment this morning for reasons unknown by persons unknown”.

The officials at Rigley’s smile as they hear the news in T.V that evening, because smiling is not banned in the country and there is a lot of difference between laughing and smiling.

A few days later the newspapers carry the news that atta consists of t-amino ethanol de-oxy styrene, which is very harmful to the retina of the human eye. The retina will be compelled to twist the images by a degree of approximately 1.2 Tauss ( Tauss is a medical unit people assume) if t-amino ethanol de-oxy styrene exceeds its limits in human body. So it is quite dangerous to chew atta gum.

Then for years and years Rigley and its stone faced peopled rule the stone faced country and this story puzzles a friend from America, who cannot understand why the hell they are not able think of a better alternative than banning laughing and crying in the country,

They can make chewing Rigley’s compulsory directly.

“No, it’s not possible” says the AN spokes person, “You can ban any action but you cannot make compulsory any action. It is against the law and constitution.”

So that’s it. The great saga of Rigley’s chewing gums, which are the only way to get facial exercise.