Aditya Hrudayam

I hesitated before going in.

The fact that I would be seeing a dead body inside was, to say the least, scary. I still couldn’t come to terms with it. I didn’t feel sad when I heard the news. I was shocked. Probably it would take a day or two for the feeling to finally sink in.

The first time I met Aditya Balasubramaniam, he did not impress me at all. He was dressed in a navy blue outfit and had a burning cigarette in his hand. His beard was unkempt and his eyes were drifting constantly.

He looked as if he had just finished his dose of Ecstasy.

When he rattled off a couple of Shakespearean verses within the first two minutes of our meeting, my suspicions were on the verge of getting confirmed.

He smiled then and told me warmly – “Don’t mind my Show Off attitude. It comes to me naturally. And I am not drunk by the way.” I managed to catch a fleeting glimpse of his eyes. They were quite deep.

I looked up. It was a long corridor leading to a slightly ajar wooden door.

Aditya’s uncle was standing in the corridor with a cigarette in his hand. His eyes told it all… the pain, the frustration, the confusion and the shock. So much was communicated just by one glance. I was silent. He motioned me to go inside. I didn’t have the courage to do so.

“You want to step inside?” Aditya asked me pointing to the dance floor on the left side.

I shook my head.

He nodded, “I don’t like it either. Too much of chaos. I like to see some form and rhythm wherever I go.”

I took another careful look at this shabby gentleman who wanted form and rhythm wherever he went.

He broke into a hysterical laughter. “I knew it. I knew you’d react this way. Come on! I hate Form. I hate Rhythm. I hate Order.”

I decided to ignore him and look at the VH1 telecast.

A loud wail from behind that wooden door startled me. Probably his mother. I stopped at Aditya’s uncle. I didn’t know what to say. These were difficult situations. I had never been a great consoler. What to say? More importantly: What not to say??

“Say something, anything! Just don’t stare at the mindless garbage coming on the idiot box.” Aditya had a quirky little smile on his face.

“Are you drunk?” I asked him directly.

He was surprised. Then he was amused. Then he clasped his hands and told me that drinking was the worst thing happened to humanity.

And then, he stopped his humane lecture to take a deep puff.

I switched off the television and went to the balcony to catch some fresh air.

The wailing stopped and there was a deadly silence which was worse. I could not make up my mind to enter the house. Till now, I had heard of the news but once I entered the door in front of me, it would be a fact. A fact I had to live with for the rest of my life.

“Who cares about the rest of this life? I live on a day to day basis. The only word I hate in English language is Tomorrow.”

He paused there and thought a little about his statement. Then he hastily added, “And the day after tomorrow too… But it is not a word you see. You get the idea, right?”

I didn’t get the idea. I didn’t care either. He was an interesting person but I could frankly do without his sermon on how life had to be lived especially if it was inspired by a Chiranjeevi movie that he had seen earlier.

“Don’t say you don’t like him. He is God. His portrayal of a mad man in that flopped movie of his – really authentic and touching.”

That was why I liked him. He wouldn’t think twice before talking something really stupid. There was no disconnect between his thought process and his words. They were perfectly synchronized. He spoke his mind out.

The door opened suddenly and Anjali stepped out. I stared at her not knowing what to say. She motioned me to go inside. I had no choice now. I had to enter the house. I had to face the reality. My legs were shaking and my breathing was shallow. I couldn’t move at all. Anjali held my hand and took me inside.

He was on the bed staring at the ceiling with a puzzled expression on his face. Then he asked me seriously, “Do you know why these lamps are always near the ceiling of a room?”

“So that they could cover the entire room?” I asked him fully knowing he cared a hoot about such logical answers.

“Maybe! I don’t know. I thought it would be cool to say – because they are light!” He was laughing like a mad man and eventually managed to trip off the bed.

I smiled to acknowledge the poor joke which I might have heard at least a hundred times before.

There were many people inside, most of them in shock – silent and confused. His mother was completely disoriented and was staring at him.

Then I saw Aditya Balasubramaniam.

He could easily pass off as a peacefully sleeping young man if the bandage which wrapped up most of head was ignored.

“What is death but a discontinuation of life!” He told me seriously.

I laughed, “And what is 2 plus 2 but 4!”

He frowned at me, “You are making fun of the startling discovery I’ve just made. Life as such has no meaning without death at the climax.”

I didn’t understand it.

“You don’t know the value of life if there is no death.”

I shrugged and concentrated on Harry Potter in Pogo.

Then it hit me. It hit me hard. I could no longer deny it. Aditya Balasubramaniam was history. He would no longer talk about life or death. He would no longer crack wise jokes. There wouldn’t be any unbelievable philosophical interpretations of everyday affairs.

He was gone. Simply. Just like that.

I kneeled in front of him, tears rolling down my cheeks. I had to say it for I waited too long. It might have no meaning at all now. I knew it was going to be futile. I knew I should have told him before. I knew I would never be able to forgive myself.

I didn’t know whether I could say it there but I didn’t care. I was losing control. The image of him was blurred and the world was swinging from one extreme to the other.

I held his hand and whispered – “I love you Aditya. I love you very much.”

The End

Rewind

She stopped in front of the neem tree to catch some breath. It was not daybreak yet. The cool breeze was refreshing. The mud track from the main road was absolutely deserted. She gulped down some water and switched on the FM radio. Some old Tamil song was on air. She closed her eyes and let the breeze enter her soul. It was a divine experience.

Five minutes later, she started jogging again - away from the main road towards the dense woods. She was not worried about her safety. She just wanted to get away from orderliness and follow her instincts. She would deal with the situations as and when they arose.

Nitya, twenty five - a software professional in one of the countless software firms of India had two goals. The first was to become a software engineer. The second was to get out of the software career. She could easily attain the first one. The crazy deadlines, unreasonable work demands, politics and messy lifestyle made her insomniac. She just couldn't sleep. And she refused to submit herself to sleeping tablets. She would dictate her body. It shouldn't dictate her.

She wouldn't think about her health. She wanted to live life the way she wanted - the way she enjoyed. Death was not in her control and tomorrow may not even be written in her destiny. Hence she wouldn't worry about it.

Her first goal was a colossal miscalculation. She did not want to get bogged down by the requirements of this profession. She wanted to quit it and be a free bird. The second goal was not that easy because her family was dependent on her.

The night was tranquil. Only her footsteps were heard. It was music to her ears. She loved such nocturnal experiences.

"Are you crazy?"

She stopped instantly. The voice was that of a kid. Maybe five or six years old.

The girl was looking at Nitya curiously. Dressed in a white frock she was leaning against a tree fifteen yards from there.

Nitya checked her watch. It was four fifteen in the morning and she was at least four kilometers from the main road. As far as she knew there were no villages in the vicinity.

The girl was well dressed and polished. She spoke English. And she was calm.

Nitya clutched the pepper spray tightly and walked slowly towards the girl. "Hi, what are you doing here?"

The girl didn't reply. She just stared at Nitya.

"Where is your house?" Nitya asked her again.

"Up there" the girl showed the stars. Nitya nodded. "Well, long way back home!"

"For you, yes. For me it is just a thought away." The girl spoke serenely.

Nitya didn't want to prolong the conversation. "Goodbye then." She started jogging.

There was no response.

Nitya did not think much about this incident. She had accepted that life was full of uncertainties. People encountered mysteries at every corner. They remained mysteries or dried up like mirages. Most of them did not affect the flow of life. They were merely incidents. They did not influence anything. Nitya had learnt over the years to ignore such incidents.

She had always been a loner. She had a shell protecting her from people. She wanted to be a part of the nature. She wanted to blend with it. She didn't like humanity because human beings tried to take control of nature.

The forest was terrifying. The animals did not disturb her because she did not venture into their marked territories. She respected them. They understood her. The barrier separating human beings from the wonder of Mother Nature simply disappeared in her case.

"You think so?"

The girl was smiling. She was riding a buffalo.

Nitya stared at her.

"You are confused?" The girl jumped off the buffalo and went on to climb a tree.

Nitya nodded.

"Why?" the girl wanted to know.

"Why not?" Nitya asked her.

"You are Nature! You should know what is going on here." The girl kept on climbing the tree.

Nitya followed the girl with her eyes. When the girl disappeared into the unknown world behind the leaves, Nitya decided to resume her journey.

Since a kid, Nitya had always been talking to Nature. She would talk to the bushes. She would laugh with the lilies. She would dance with the sunflowers and deal with the bison. She had an uncanny knack of establishing a communication channel with her eyes. The animals, plants and inanimate rocks listened to her - followed her and helped her.

Her father was a clerk in one of the nationalized banks of the country and had to work mostly in villages. She loved that atmosphere. She played in the forest - with the animals and got along really well with Nature. She was just like the little girl she had just met.

Nitya stopped in her tracks and stared at the little girl.

The girl laughed, "Now you know! Close your eyes."

Nitya closed her eyes. It was a picture perfect Moon enhanced by a serene night. She could see everything beneath her clearly in moonlight. She could catch the expressions on the woman's face. She was tired but inspired. She was lost in her thoughts. It was as if she were sleeping.

Nitya could almost see the curvature of Earth from there. However her thoughts were fixated on the woman below. She remembered a lot of things. They were vague. She could remember jogging. She could remember growing up. She could remember her future.

Nitya climbed down from the tree and faced the woman. "What is this?"

The woman opened her eyes and smiled, "Future."

Nitya didn't understand, "What happened to me?"

The woman drank the remaining water and started jogging, "You have a chance to correct your mistakes now. Chase your dreams."

Nitya stood rooted there. Her memories were fast receding. Her job, her graduation, her love failure, her goals - all felt like they were part of a distant dream. The incidents had slowly been wiped off her memory but the knowledge imparted stayed on.

Nitya ran back from the fields excitedly to tell her mother off the strange meeting with a jogging lady.

The End.

Full Circle

I glanced at the calendar. September 26^th. Nitya’s Northwest flight would be touching down in fifteen minutes. Time was moving very slowly.

I looked at my watch. 6:45 in the evening. I relaxed in the waiting lounge and closed my eyes.

“Pick me up. 7pm arrival. Northwest from Amsterdam” Nitya told me yesterday.

I sighed. There was this conference call to be attended at 7pm. Nitya would never accept such an excuse. For her, if someone was in the office after 6pm, he or she did not know how to manage time.

Once I had an argument with her that sometimes there arose situations which demanded extra hours at the office, but then she took my weekly activities report from my computer and showed me that my efficiency was somewhere near 50%.

"If only you had worked the full day instead of mailing me all those crazy Hungarian Aristocrat jokes, you would have finished the job right on target."

I shook my head, “That is the perfect world you are talking about. It is not possible to leave at 6pm everyday.”

“I don’t believe that. Perfecting something requires skill and determination. You can work towards the goal no matter how inefficient you are at the time of start.”

She always spoke the final sentence in any conversation we had. She would convince me to subscribe to her school of thought and later use that fact against me.

Many a time, I was reminded of the wonderfully simple world I had experienced as a bachelor. Married men kept mum about the complexities of life after walking down the aisle. Sometimes they would share it but I didn’t pay attention.

“Are you sleeping? This is a Trans-Atlantic call for Chrissakes” I was thrown back to reality.

“The client insists on having this call at 7pm Nitya, what can I do?” I told her.

Nitya was silent for a moment and then she softly told me, “Today is September 26^th Dear Siddharth, and if I remember correctly, it happens to be your wedding day”.

Click! She did not wait for my response.

She sounded cold enough to make me lock my desk, transfer the responsibility of attending the meeting to Nirmal Kumar and drive my 1985 Chevrolet to the airport.

I felt really guilty. But for Nitya’s reminder – I wouldn’t have remembered the occasion.

I loved my wife very much. It was love at first sight when I saw her in India. I had to leave India within a month of getting introduced to her. She reciprocated my feelings and we got married though parents on either side did not approve our marriage.

“Announcing the arrival of NW-KLM 0091 from Amsterdam.” I opened my eyes and walked to the arrival gate. The flight was right on time. I just couldn’t wait to see Nitya. The business class passenger came out first. Then she emerged from the crowd. She had been in India for only a month but it felt like an eternity to me.

When she saw me there, her face lit up – she ran into my hands and hugged me tightly.

"I refuse to admit it but I missed you! you know! Guys back home love you really." She paused, " and I too love you, Mr. Siddharth".

I smiled and led her to the car.

“Let me drive it.” Nitya took the wheel and smoothly merged on to the carpooling lane.

“So I hear you’ve tried to drive in India. What did I tell you?” I asked her sternly.

She laughed, “Come on! You are being paranoid. You know? I should have listened to you. Traffic rules there are simply non-existent. I really can’t drive there at all. This feels so easy good… I missed it.” She locked the car at seventy miles per hour and asked me, “Ekkadiki velthunnaamu?” (Where are we going?)

“Tortilla Palace” I told her, “Time to celebrate September 26^th”

I couldn’t manage to directly propose to her because I had to leave the country on an urgent assignment. The day I landed in the US, I called her and tried to propose…But no words came out of my mouth. It was as if I had forgotten both English and Telugu completely.

She understood my situation and asked me to chat on the net.

I had always been a great chatter box on the net. When we finally logged on to Yahoo Messenger, I could really impress her very much with my subtle sense of humor that I had never known existed. We had lengthy chat sessions spanning over days and nights.

There was no formal proposal by either of us. We just knew it and played along. Our parents opposed the alliance vehemently for trivial reasons. We were firm on our decision and went to Arya Samaj after informing our parents. It was just an FYI for them.

Nitya shook me up. The dinner had been served. "Thinking about the affair?" she smiled. I shook my head and then said, "Yes".

She suddenly remembered something. "Where is Nirmal?”

A mischievous smile appeared on my face. “He is attending the conference call at 7pm.” I looked into her eyes trying to read them. She could not see directly into my eyes and immediately turned away. I just waited for her to become normal.

“What will be your reaction if I say I love Nirmal” she asked me slowly.

I had been expecting it for some time. But the suddenness of it unsettled me for a few moments. I didn’t know what to say. I just stared at her. She was very anxious… and very disturbed. I drank some water and asked, “Am I supposed to react?”

Nitya nodded quickly, “Doesn’t matter. You’ve already reacted. I could read that. Now I want your opinion.”

I didn’t feel like speaking and started munching the tortilla wrap. She stood up, came round the table, put her hand on my shoulder and said, “Please Papa… Say yes”

I did all that Nitya was doing now – Twenty five years ago. I pleaded with my parents. I begged them to accept Vidhi. They did not relent. “Memu oppukomu. Tarvata nee ishtam.” (We don’t agree. It is up to you now.)

We thought they would relent later. However they maintained their stance and boycotted the wedding. Later we immigrated to the United States.

It was now my turn. It was an opportunity for me to explore the other side of such things. My daughter wanted me to accept Nirmal. Could I? He was a great guy. So why should I not accept him?

I stood up from the table, patted her on the shoulder and walked out from the restaurant.

The fact that Nitya was in love with someone was driving me crazy. She did not even consult me. Now she was just asking for my permission. It was quite disturbing to me. Was I not supposed to know her in and out? Was she not supposed to keep me updated? Who was Nirmal anyway to suddenly enter between my daughter and myself? Who was he to take her attention away from me?

Nitya came out running. She was aghast. “What happened, Papa? Talk to me!” she shook me anxiously.

Life with Vidhi was great. It was an ideal life. We loved and cherished each and every moment of our companionship. Nitya was the apple of our eyes. It was picture perfect. We had everything – Money, friends, love – everything but relatives. We couldn’t go back to India because folks back home didn’t want to see us. We felt homesick at times but the fact that we couldn’t do anything about it – enabled us to get over such feelings. We had to cope with the reality.

And then, one inebriated gentleman who didn’t understand how dangerous DUI was – rammed his 1969 Pickup into Vidhi's Buick killing her on the spot. Nitya was six years old then. My world came down crashing. I left everyone, everything back home just to be with Vidhi. And she took the easy way out. Doctors told me that she probably wouldn’t have felt anything. I was furious. I had to lead the rest of my life feeling the void created by her.

It was because of Nitya that I lived on. The whole world seemed to be only Nitya. I ensured that she had everything. She was a bright kid. Over the years, we had learnt to talk about “the incident” without getting emotional. I needed Nitya’s support as much as she needed mine to get on with life.

Now she wanted to marry Nirmal and gift me yet another irreplaceable void in my life. I had Nitya to handle Vidhi’s absence. I would be all alone to tackle Nitya’s transformation from a loving daughter to a responsible wife.

Should I say No? No, I couldn’t do that. I knew it. I couldn’t hurt Nitya. I wouldn’t even dream of doing it. But then, should I agree? A thought at the back of my mind was yelling clearly – ‘Say Yes, Say Yes’.

I was thoroughly confused. I wanted some fresh air to think about it. I went to the car – waited for Nitya to get in and drove to Metro Park, a community park in our neighborhood.

Vidhi and I used to take Nitya there every evening.

It was dark. There was a cool breeze. I leaned on the bonnet and looked up at sky. Milky Way was visible clearly. It was one of the advantages of not living in the downtown.

I was reminded of Nitya’s reaction when I first showed her the Milky Way. She absolutely loved it. I told her that Vidhi was one of the stars in the Milky Way. She believed it. I believed it too. We used to go on trips just to admire Milky Way and its grandeur.

“Papa, Paala puntha (Milky Way) – Look closely papa. Can’t you feel Mom talking to us from there?” Nitya clutched my hand with her head resting on my shoulder.

I nodded. I could really feel it. My entire life flashed in front of my eyes. If only we had parental consent, our lives would have been fuller – richer. Vidhi wouldn’t want her daughter to face it all.

I was beginning to see the reality. It was biting me. One day I had to let Nitya go. It was inevitable. Nirmal would be the best husband for her. Why was I still in doubt?

I silently patted on her shoulder, “Invite Nirmal to dinner tomorrow.”

Nitya could not hide her happiness. “Thank you papa.. Thank you.. I love you so much” she hugged me warmly. Then she looked up and said, “Thanks Mom”.

Vidhi too smiled from up there.

The End.